Wow. Well that was a spectacularly failed experiment. Please add erneuerung to your friend's list, ne?

I'm going to try something. People might end up unfriended accidentally. If this happens, I will re-friend people and hope they re-friend me back, ne?

So, I started reading Chuck Palahnuik's Haunted and dry heaved several times while reading the end of the first chapter (Gutless' story -- everything up until then is fine). If I had eaten before it, I am sure I would have gotten sick. It still seems like a interesting book and I am going to read further, but I'm just putting my experience out there for those who might be interested in reading it.

I tried to buy The Artist's Way (Julia Cameron) today, but it wasn't in stock. Apparently, there computers said there was three, but there was none. I'm disappointed.

I wrote a but yesterday and finished Parable of the Talents (Octavia Butler). It was a hard read, but hopeful and very very good.

I'm also reading a anthology called The Mammoth Book of Best New Erotica edited by Maxim Jakubowsky. The stories I've read so far have been hot, well-written, and thought-provoking. There are some things I've read that I wouldn't be adverse to trying.

I cried today for no particular reason, but it was bad timing. I don't know why I cried exactly, but I whittled it down to fear. That's the number one reason I cry. One of the only reasons I cry. I'm nervous and I don't know. I've been quite sensitive lately.

Borrowed from queenoftheskies

You Are 44% Lady

You're part lady, part modern woman. Etiquette is important to you, but you brush aside rules that are outdated or silly.

I have been completely bitten by bugs. I have 10 maybe 20 bites that I got this night alone. Why am I so delicious?

Last night, I watched people set off fireworks and saw one set off up close. It was pretty and short and fun.

This night, I went to a party (outdoors). There was a gorgeous fire pit and while I was alone, I finally found an end to the story I've been meaning to finish for a very long time. This is the age of outlines for me. We'll see how well this works. We'll see if I can finish what I start this time.

P.S. I said I would write 10,000 words tomorrow in the library. Or wherever, I guess, but mostly the library. Think I can do it?

I saw Star Wars Episodes IV and V last night. Those were the only two I hadn't seen. At long last, I understand "These aren't the droids you're looking for."

X_x

What are some good short stories or collections of short stories?

I still haven't decided whether or not I'm going to participate in this years julnowrimo. As it is already July 1st, this poses a bit of a problem. I'm not sure I want to force myself to write a certain amount each day. I feel like pressure now would not be a good thing. I'm always putting pressure on myself and it stifles me.

At the same time, some playful pressure might be exactly what I need.

Building things is dangerous.
Getting used to things is dangerous.
Feeling safe is traitorous and dangerous that way.
Settling down, settling for, settling is a dangerous thing and it's so incredibly easy to get comfortable and settle down.
It's what I'm afraid of, settling.
Static is something I'm afraid of.
Comfort . . . comfort is unwelcome here.

When I read Octavia Butler's stuff, I feel as if my own writing is nothing in comparison. I love the way she writes. I love that she writes about something, not the childish, purely entertainment stories I seem to write. Her writing says something about the world and about people. It says something about the future doubling back into the past about the way history cycles about everything.

I loved (love) Parable of the Sower. As I mentioned before, it's a hard book to read, but it's wonderful, the world she created, the future she envisioned. I want to know more. Much more about that world. About the way it works. part of me wants to know how she came up with it, but I know I can't ask her now. Maybe in dreams.

I'm so in love with her. Octavia E. Butler. Octavia Estelle Butler. Did you know that? It took this long for me to know her middle name. I wish I could have started reading her earlier, though I know if I did I wouldn't have found the courage to write and ask her about things, but still. I guess now what I can do is read the things she's written and learn from them and learn from other writers -- maybe find writers that she has recommended in interviews or other books. All I can do is learn.

Anyway, today is a rainy day. It's nice. I didn't finish the book yesterday, but this morning, I woke up, contemplated my dreams somewhere between sleep and waking and then woke up fully ad picked up the book to finish it. I have the sequel beside me and I'm trying to decide whether to dive into that or to take a little break, maybe read some short stories, maybe read something else, maybe take some time to write. Whatever I do, I'll get to that story. I want more dystopias, more hypotheses of the future. Of our future. I want to lear how they work so I can write one. I also want to read cyberpunk novels. I read a short story online called "Cyberpunk" by Bruce Bethke. It got me interested. Or more interested than I was.

( A Harry / Draco dream )

I might write it as a story. As fanfiction. I changed some of the dream, or added to it so it was more storylike anyway. Also to fill in parts I don't quite remember. I do that sometimes, you know. I've always wondered about creating memories. About fabricating them. I suppose one would start by adding things in to memories that were already there, giving hem shady substance, filling in where parts faded, where parts stopped being clear.

New York was short, but nice. I forgot to bring back my Japanese textbooks so I could review, but I did drop off the books I finished reading and I picked up two more to read. I packed skirts and dresses as well. Hopefully one dress will be good enough for attending a wedding. I think I'll wear the light blue one. My other option is pink and white and I have another floral one. I'm not sure what to wear or what's appropriate. It's my first wedding for someone under fifty. I guess I will just figure it out as I go along. Is wearing a dress even appropriate? Would a nice skirt and a blouse be better?

I'll be leaving again on Thursday, so if anyone has any ideas, please tell me before then, ne?

Saturday night, I got really drunk. I'm a fun drunk, I've been told. I get talkative and outgoing, much like I wish I could be all the time. It didn't last long because I drank really fast, desperately almost (I'm so bad at parties when I'm sober) but I had basically planned to get drunk then so I'm not sure I mind.

The next day, I felt a little bad. I played Kingdom Hearts for a long while and got past the Coliseum level. Went for a walk, got bitten by mosquitoes. Cooked soba and ate it (yum!).

Today I am off to New York for who knows how long. I should call a few people and tell them I'll be there. It will be fun to see friends even if I won't get to see many because everyone is out of town it seems. Maybe I could set something up with P for tonight?

You know how I've been upset / more sensitive lately?

Birth control side effects.
Depression / Mood swings.

I just cried a lot. And then again in front of someone else.

Did my doctor even look at my medical records before diagnosing this to me? She could have at least warned me that depression is a risk. I have been near suicidal for the past few days or weeks or whatever. You think someone would have warned someone with a history of depression that the pill they are currently taking might be upsetting.

Depression scares me. Being not okay scares me. I don't know what to do when it happens.

I wish someone had told me. Why didn't anyone tell me?

God, I'm crying again.

( Edit )

I'm not a very good girlfriend because I feel bad about taking someone away from someone else. Like, I don't know. Taking options away or something. For other women and for him.

That is all.

I've been playing Runescape a lot instead of writing or anything else.

I spent the weekend in Connecticut. I wish I had stayed here so I could have visited Sam and Kathleen, but I have faith one day I'll get off my comfortable behind and make it happen for real. It's not that I don't want to see people, but I'm very much in a state of inertia: once I pause in moving it's increasingly hard to get me started again.

I'm going to Spain at the end of July to visit my sister and see a few friends. It will be good for me, I think. I've felt so static lately. I've been so static lately and it's not a source of pride.

I'll be happier when I'm doing things again. Relaxing can be nice. But being busy or at least having things to do is sometimes usually that much sweeter.

-A

Yep. Boyd is my new lover.
I found him last night.

( Mine )

I swallowed another tongue ring ball. I think both of them were externally threaded, so this time I bought one threaded internally. Maybe that will make the difference.

It's a good thing it happened in a way because it made me go out and buy jewelry, find out what my gauge is (12), and forced me to deal with the new ring no matter how strange it felt. On that note, it's a little long. But maybe that's a good thing. Or a bad thing. I've heard it's better to have a shorter bar, easier on the teeth. But maybe my tongue will heal more fully (like the dent that's now in it) with the longer bar. I hope so.

What are good sites to search for cheap airfare?


P.S.
I fail at life. And jogging.
How incredibly shameful . . .

What do you know about demons?

I want to revise what I have to far of my NaNo-esque thing and I also want to rewrite and add to Artificial Flowers *cries*

Both frustrate me to no end . . .

I know what I must do . . .